Begin the War on Christmas!

I hate Christmas so much that our family has spent the day putting up Christmas decorations. (Ladders hurt your feet, by the way.) Luckily the weather isn't half bad this year.

Thought I would check in quickly and post this column I wrote that appeared about one year ago in the now defunct Vanguard, an alternative newspaper in Vancouver. (Sorry, no link as Vanguard tended to have a limited on-line presence.) So without further delay here is some "stilwell classic" to hold you over:

Today this nice saleslady handed me the blue Tiffany box she had tied with a ribbon just so and, with a twinkle in her smile, wished me a Merry Christmas. So I socked her.

--James Wolcott
Scene from the War on Christmas
(a brief post from jameswolcott.com)

As if the stress of the holiday (oops, I mean Christmas) season weren’t enough, for the second year in a row right wing luminaries like Bill O’Reilly, Jerry Falwell and John Gibson are trying to generate controversy about the “war on Christmas,” the non-event that is taking the media world by whimper.

There’s no good footage available, just people being outraged, no outraged! that the store clerk wished them “Happy Holidays.” At least the clerk spoke to them. Most clerks this time of year seem to avoid making eye contact out of fear you will ask them a question.

Gibson wrote a book about this pretend war, O’Reilly started blathering about it before the Halloween candy was gone and Falwell is putting together a cadre of lawyers ready to take on any government entity that doesn’t send him a Christmas card, although a fruitcake would suffice nicely.


Our local daily dutifully reports that Vancouver calls its tree lighting ceremony the Community Tree Lighting, much to the chagrin of whichever hapless city worker has to field the phone calls. Such a threatening word, “community.” Downright inclusive. Makes you wish for the good old days, when non-Christians knew their place and stuck to their bagels.


Not to be outdone, local O’Reilly imitator Lars Larson of KXL radio tried to generate controversy about Portland’s holiday (oops...I mean Christmas) tree, which Portland calls simply “The Tree.” Residents of Portland promptly didn’t care, as they were busy wondering why they bought the damn scooter in the first place when it rains so much.

KGW-TV reported that Larson also planned to rent space in Pioneer Courthouse Square to erect a cross, the point being that he can do it if he has the money. Again, Portland shrugged and went to look at a Prius, which at least has a roof.

At this point in the column, I could launch into a discussion of symbolism in politics, the role of religion in government and society, and so on, but I’m very, very tired this weekend, having spent most of it on a ladder putting up holiday (oops...I mean Christmas) lights, a few of which actually work. If only O’Reilly could have been there, he would have understood just how much I love Christmas, especially when the wind came up. It put tears in my eyes, in fact.

You probably already know that allegations about a “war on Christmas” are a smoke-screen for a failed political movement. Christmas is everywhere, Virginia, but most of all it has become a commercial event, something which religious leaders and social critics used to lament.

What you didn’t know, unless you’re well educated (something political columnists try to avoid,) is that none other than Oliver Cromwell preached against the use of Christmas trees. The Puritan leader liked to rail against “heathen traditions” such as carols and decorated trees, according to an extensive two minute google search.

On the down side, Puritans tended to do stuff like throw women in ponds to see if they were witches, but everyone has their faults. They did bring beer on the Mayflower, so I guess it balances out. It’s all so confusing. I wish the Fox Right would decide if it’s for or against Puritanism.

It is mighty interesting how things change in one short year. At this time in 2004, conservatives were crowing about a permanent Republican majority, and religious conservatives were being credited with the victory. Reporters interviewed mega-church pastors who would proudly claim that they won the election for the GOP. The culture war was over and they won.

Now, under the weight of a poorly conceived and poorly executed actual war combined with scandal and corruption, conservatives have nothing left but silliness like “the war on Christmas.” And, shiver me timbers, the public seems to have caught on to the ruse.

Of course, the country is in dire need of a positive message. So whichever faith you belong to, or even if you are, like Gibson, “non-practicing,” we can always hope for a better way.

Maybe those who control the airwaves, satellites and and cable transmissions could ask their employees to see if they can find a message that speaks to the better parts of human nature, instead of constantly seeking to divide in the name of ratings.

Here’s one idea, from St. Luke, Chapter 2, 12-14, although it’s okay with me if you have a different idea or belief:

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God on the highest, and on earth, peace, good will toward men.

Honestly, if the media begins in again with the "War on Christmas" stuff, then you have my permission to toss the egg nog down the sink.