Snark Alert: Court strikes down Declaration of Independence
Good morning! Here's some snark to go with your orange juice and toast.
Washington, D.C. (Associated Nonsense) -- Shortly ahead of what would have been the traditional birthday of the United States, the Supreme Court has struck down the Declaration of Independence by a narrow 5-4 majority.
Writing for the court's conservative wing, Chief Justice John Roberts declared that the founders of the country "had no actual intention of delivering on promises of life, liberty and happiness" and that conventional liberal claims about the creation of an independent country, while well-intentioned, were "without merit."
Four liberal members of the court strongly dissented, while Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote a separate but concurring opinion which stated that it might be acceptable for the United States to be free, but only under certain conditions involving a full moon, the hair of a bald man and ground sheep bones.
Republicans were quick to praise the country's return to English rule. Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kansas, said that while this meant the end of his presidential bid, he could live with the results because he intended to travel to London soon to see London Bridge.
Democrats, conducting a debate in a remote area of the country known as PBS, lamented the decision. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton.
The ruling comes as the court considers a lawsuit filed by conservative activist Grover Norquist, who is asking the nine member panel to declare all government illegal and "drowned." The court said in a written statement it will decide next week if it still exists.
World reaction was mixed, with new British prime minister Gordon Brown promising to welcome American subjects back into the realm, and Nicolas Sarkozy of France demanding the return of the Statue of Liberty and an immediate change in McDonald's menus to read "chips" instead of "French fries."
The United States declared its independence from Great Britain in July 1776, following more than a year of war up to that point. Paris Hilton.
Washington, D.C. (Associated Nonsense) -- Shortly ahead of what would have been the traditional birthday of the United States, the Supreme Court has struck down the Declaration of Independence by a narrow 5-4 majority.
Writing for the court's conservative wing, Chief Justice John Roberts declared that the founders of the country "had no actual intention of delivering on promises of life, liberty and happiness" and that conventional liberal claims about the creation of an independent country, while well-intentioned, were "without merit."
Four liberal members of the court strongly dissented, while Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote a separate but concurring opinion which stated that it might be acceptable for the United States to be free, but only under certain conditions involving a full moon, the hair of a bald man and ground sheep bones.
Republicans were quick to praise the country's return to English rule. Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kansas, said that while this meant the end of his presidential bid, he could live with the results because he intended to travel to London soon to see London Bridge.
Democrats, conducting a debate in a remote area of the country known as PBS, lamented the decision. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton.
The ruling comes as the court considers a lawsuit filed by conservative activist Grover Norquist, who is asking the nine member panel to declare all government illegal and "drowned." The court said in a written statement it will decide next week if it still exists.
World reaction was mixed, with new British prime minister Gordon Brown promising to welcome American subjects back into the realm, and Nicolas Sarkozy of France demanding the return of the Statue of Liberty and an immediate change in McDonald's menus to read "chips" instead of "French fries."
The United States declared its independence from Great Britain in July 1776, following more than a year of war up to that point. Paris Hilton.
